


Things are not always what they seem.

by wilde_in_her_eyes



Category: Labyrinth (1986), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:34:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23988949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wilde_in_her_eyes/pseuds/wilde_in_her_eyes
Summary: “What’s this now?” The Goblin King bowed down, peering at Bilbo suspiciously. “You're not a dwarf.”Bilbo almost cried. If this didn’t work, he was quite sure they would all be eaten, if not worse. There was no Gandalf to save them this time.Or where when Bilbo doesn't fall off the ledge, and has one last idea to get them out of this mess.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 47





	Things are not always what they seem.

He couldn’t think beyond the panic, it clouded his thoughts and seemed to slow down time. Combined with the howling of the goblins surrounding him, Bilbo could do nothing but move forward.

“Who would be so bold as to come armed into my Kingdom?”

The large goblin wrenched forward, his entire body moving like a giant, grotesque infection on the face of Middle Earth. Bilbo recalled how he had almost fallen off the side of the cliff, nearly dragged down by a goblin before being hauled up by another and shoved into line.

Being dead at the bottom of a cliff was looking surprisingly good about now. At least he knew he wouldn’t be eaten alive.

“Spies? Thieves? ASSASSINS?”

“Dwarves, your malevolence,” grovelled one of the guards. “We found them on the front porch.”

Wait, malevolence? That would make the goblin–

“Dwarves?” snarled the goblin, “Don’t just stand there, search them!”

Bilbo shivered as hands slid through his clothing, snatching his money pouch and throwing his pack into the darkness. One grabbed his hair, yanking his head back and almost bit his ear off before it was grabbed by another and they tumbled out of sight.

“Every crack, every crevice!”

A shove to his shoulder brought Bilbo out of his head, and he fell forward onto Dwalin. The dwarf didn’t even glance back, but that was the last thing on Bilbo’s mind.

Only one goblin had this much power, and that was the Goblin King. Wracking his head, Bilbo tried to remember the words to the fauntling nursery rhyme. There wasn’t much hope it would work, but it was better than nothing, surely?

“What are you doing in these parts?”

How did it go? You're a child? No no no, it was more like –

“SPEAK!”

Come on come on come on Bilbo, he used to sing this all the time, it went –

“Very well, if they will not talk –”

“WAIT!” Bilbo gasped, shoving his way forward. “Wait, wait, just –”

“What’s this now?” The Goblin King bowed down, peering at Bilbo suspiciously. “You're not a dwarf.”

Bilbo almost cried. If this didn’t work, he was quite sure they would all be eaten, if not worse. There was no Gandalf to save them this time.

“You remind me of the babe!”

Silence. Silence rippled through the goblins, until you could hear the distantly rushing water from the bottom of the caves. Not a single noise could be heard in the entire cavern, causing the dwarves to glance around in confusion.

“You remind me of the babe.” Bilbo said, calmer now. He’d told this story to many the fauntling when he was younger, the words that he remembered spilling out of his mouth with ease.

From behind him, he heard “Bilbo, what –”

“What babe?” whispered the King, the quiet words breaking the spell. A soft muttering could be heard, like stones grinding or old wood rubbing.

More confident now, Bilbo responded “The babe with the power.”

“What power?”

“The power of Voodoo.”

“Who do?”

“You do.”

“Do what?”

“Remind me of the babe!” Bilbo and the Goblin King cried together, as the assembled goblins let out a roar that shook the very foundations of the structure. Chaos ensured, as the Horde yelled and screamed, falling around. The dwarves looked around in incomprehension, confusion painted onto their features.

Bilbo couldn’t help but laugh. This entire journey, he’d been confused and blindsided at every turn, treated like an outcast and a burden. A few minutes before, he was ready to leave, pack on his shoulder and one foot out the door.

But now, amidst the pure, unbridled chaos, and as the few beginning notes rang out from the depths and as the fat on the Goblin King melted away, Bilbo knew for sure that he’d made the right decision to leave.

**Author's Note:**

> Credit goes to the Labyrinth and David Bowie for their lines.
> 
> Might write some more to this later. 
> 
> Thank you for reading this, love you.


End file.
